ALONE

I avoid silence, avoid dark rooms, I avoid being left alone, I avoid quiet. 

doing everything and anything BUT think of you. 

Got to stay calm and collected, never admit to missing you. 

I pack my schedule with appointments and dates

the busier I am the less time I have to face...the fact, that I am just that...alone. 

With quiet comes tears, revealing my fears,

trying to hold it together, dreading forever...

without you....i'm all alone. 

HE DUMPED ME!

So I got dumped. 

Over breakfast, over lemonade and orange juice. 

It's okay when you can see it coming, it's ok when you're expecting it. 

But I wasn't expecting it. Not then. Not after church, 

Not in a noisy restaurant full of black people, not on a sunday morning.  

AND definitely not before I got my catfish & eggs. 

I swear I thought it was a normal day. I thought we would talk about our week, share our thoughts. 

compare and contrast. offer suggestions. show fake sympathy.  act like we understood each other. act like we cared.

eat breakfast. drink our juice. 

I watched his lips move, listened to his voice. 

I heard him, It was a story I'd heard before. 

i pretended to be interested in what he was saying, stared at him with concern in my eyes.

Now he's talking about me...i'm hearing, but not listening. 

(here we go again...just let him get this off his chest, reassure him like always. the end) 

But I heard something unfamiliar. there was no open end to this conversation. 

there was no blank for me to fill in. Whatever, he'd just said, was final. 

WHAT?!

Where is this coming from? What does this mean? Where does this leave us?

Whats wrong? what the hell is wrong with me?! 

You're not serious though right? Those questions never got a chance to leave my head. 

But tears escaped my eyes. I cried. i fidgeted. Started to feel insecure. 

HIS REASONS DID NOT MATTER. 

It was the edited, rated G, designed to NOT make you feel like a piece of crap version of the truth. 

It's not about that... but I won't lie. I'd much rather he'd say that, than the truth. 

sometimes the truth is not meant to be said aloud. 

He kept talking, but I stopped listening. I cried, and cried, and cried. 

Felt his hand rubbing me, attempting to soothe me. But he didn't exist anymore.

Just me & my thoughts, my questions, my wtfs!! 

Didn't even get to eat my breakfast! lost my appetite (that's rare)! 

I went home and cried some more. BAWLED!  Cried to my momma. cried to my Morgy. 

BUT WHY???????? Lord why?! 

i'll tell you why!! 

This was inevitable. Everyone plays a role. 

and I played the role of space-taker, as did he. 

We were just taking up space in each others lives, waiting for the next best thing to come along

nothing was really wrong, but nothing was really right

we weren't uncomfortable, but we weren't very comfortable at all.

just breathing the same air. watching the same tv shows. laughing at the same punch lines.

so why did i cry? (hysterically) 

because he beat me to it! 

he found my replacement before I found his! and that sucks more than all of it!!!! 

It was bound to happen, sooner or later. 

But I thought this was something that only I knew. 

I thought it was my big secret that existed only in my mind.

Yeah it was there, but I didn't think he realized it. not like i did. 

        guess i was wrong.

i must admit i will miss...

the leather seats of his infiniti

the huge flat screen in his room

 AND the unlimited channels on his tv

WELCOME TO THE SINGLE LIFE

Welcome everyone to the Single Life! 

My name is Reeta. (period) That is not just my name, Reeta is also an adjective. It is used to describe the indescribable. Those things that you just can't put a finger on & those things that kind of don't make any sense. Here is a vague example of what I mean, why I do/ think/ feel/ or say some of the crazy things I do, have no reasonable explanation; they sometimes leave people (including myself) speechless, puzzled, or appalled, that's called Reeta! 

 I shock myself daily, but with time you will see what I mean. & for those things that don't make sense or lack explanation...we will not judge. I won't judge me, and hopefully you won't either. and if you do decide to judge, it probably won't make a difference anyway. I just might like it, because at least I got your attention. 

So now that we've been properly introduced, you might want to know what exactly 'The Single Life' is! 

Well, not only am i a Singleton (still trying to figure out if that was a blessing or curse, hence the root word) but I am also Single! When I say single, I don't just mean that i am without a spouse. I mean independent. I mean solitary. At the end of every major  chapter in my life, I have found myself alone. Often friendless. Now, I am not complaining at all & I am not here to make excuses or recap my whole life story. I'm just saying! Blessing or curse? Idk yet.

This is life through my eyes. Even though sometimes the images may be distorted. It's really all I got, so you can take it or leave it. Incomplete sentences and all. However, I hope you decide to take it, and I hope you enjoy reading, as much as I enjoy writing. TTYSoon. 

Reeta.